What Did I Learn

I learned a lot from this class. I learned that sometimes in conflict, I can throw verbal daggers, and because I was made aware of it, I can change it. I also learned that conflict is something that is really good and it doesn't have to be a hugely emotional experience. Conflict can be something that is very positive. And having that view point actually has helped me embrace the conflicts that occur in disagreements in my marriage as well as trust that my husband has my best interest at heart. Being positive about conflict had made me more open to creative ideas on how to have a equally satisfying resolution. I have also learned that in a high emotional conflict, not to take offense to things said out of anger, but instead respond with "How is that constructive to this conversation?" And it sets a boundary, and I also don't respond back in kind. Saying something along those lines puts everyone on a level playing field, and also brings about an apology.

Because of the reading, I was able to put words and definitions to different conflict styles, and it has helped me better understand the conflicts styles within my personal relationships and how to interact with within those styles. It has also helped me work through changes within friendships and forgiveness. This class has given me a better understand of conflict and a desire to work through conflict in a very healthy and non-hurtful way.

I really enjoyed this class. THANKS!!!

Blogging Molly is signing off!

What I liked Chpt 16 D2

I really enjoyed this class. One, it was online. I love online classes because I don't feel like my time is being wasted in a classroom setting. This class actually forced me to read the text book which is rare, and then I also learned a lot about myself that I could apply. I like classes where the things taught are actually applicable to everyday life. The workshop although, challenging I think was a really fun project to work on. I did not feel like to homework was busy work, which I actually really appreciated. I've spend a long time in school so its really refreshing to have a class where the homework and projects where very practical and logical. The quizzes where also on topics that were covered. A lot of times I find professors give out study guides and then when the test comes, they complicate the crap out of the test. I felt like these quizzes and the midterm where actually on the materials taught.

I will say it was hard to remember that I needed to post blogs every week. That was difficult and I had to write a lot of reminders to myself. Sometimes those did not even work! I wonder if there is a way to set up an automatic email that reminds students of the blogs, granted the point of growing up is learning how to manage and remember things. I really enjoyed this classes and learned a lot from it personally and like that I can apply it to my life.

Chapter 16 D1

People have negative views of conflict I believe because of their mindsets. They don't see conflict as a positive thing in life. They see it as an impending doom. Conflict is a great way to learn more about how other people perceive things, as well as how you filter things as well. It is almost like a litmus test for living and being a healthy person. I think that people who do not seem themselves as creative may struggle more with the idea of conflict because they struggle with finding a solution.

I believe that the more people learn about conflict, it helps them see it differently. When you learn about something, it makes it harder to fear it. Another catalyst to a fear of conflict is experiences. If someone has never had a good conflict experience, they will generally see it in a negative light. Conflict makes a person feel an array of emotions and if they struggle with controlling their emotions that can also lead to a negative view. Conflict has a tendency to highlight the things people don't like about themselves, or things they are blind too. That is a hard thing to take, and the emotions associated with that are negative, and it can cloud someone's view of conflict.

I personally think conflict is good, I always feel like the relationship after a conflict is a lot deeper because I have gained a better understanding of the other person and vice versa. I think that alone makes conflict worth it.

Key Concept

In reading chapter 12, I identified with the misplaced conflict concept. I find that I have a tendency to get upset about little things, like the dishes not being done, garbage not taken out or being asked to run an errand for the husband. When I start getting frustrated with things that normally don't really bother me, I start arguments about the tiny things, when the issue really is that I am not feeling appreciated for my contributions to the household, or I need some encouragement or quality time with him. Instead of being direct, about my needs I get frustrated that my husband does not know my unspoken needs. This is not a good way to deal with conflict and becoming more aware of it has helped me be more direct about my needs and decided to not get annoy or frustrated over the small things.

Attributions

There have been a few times where I made false attributions about someone within a conflict. I generally do not communicate them, but decide them in my head and it controls how I communicate with them.  I have learned that attributions can really hinder the solving of a conflict because it can portray the other individual falsely and do a lot more damage.

I have also had false attributions happen to me within the sharing of opinions and information. I was labeled as "white girl privileged" and ignorant because someone did not like my opinion on the upcoming election. While I stated my opinion graciously and kindly, this individual began to lash out rudely. In that moment, I knew I had a choice to either respond back in kind, or shut the conversation down completely. I chose to shut it down, because I could see her opinion of me was formed and there was no reasoning and  I could graciously say "Hey we disagree and I am okay with that, but lets not throw around insults because that doesn't make the world a better place, which is our end goal anyway," instead of returning with an insult.

Correct attributions do help, and can be constructive for personal development. When my husband and I were dating, some of our conflicts would get escalated because he did not like to be wrong. he would literally argue with me until I just gave up, even though(after the fact) he knew in his head he was wrong. And if I told him that it seemed as though he was just trying to be right, the conflict would get worse. Over time he began to see that about himself and began to work at it, and be willing to admit when he has been wrong. Attributions can be really helpful but it all really depends on how they are communicated and the heart behind them.

Word Search D1

In doing my word search I found that forgiveness gave me good results. I was taken to pages like "Forgiveness is healthy" and an actual forgiveness institute website. When I researched revenge, I actually found a lot of links to the TV show "Revenge" which I do not watch mainly because it doesn't seem like it has an redeemable qualities to it. Reconciliation gave me a decent amount of results which led me to definitions from various websites. I think I got the best results from my word search on "reconciliation." I may be bias because I love the meaning of the word because it is so powerful. I think reconciliation is something that is rarely considered when a wrong has been done, and so depending on circumstances, it can be a really powerful action to be taken. It is something that carries a lot of weight and is extremely important to solving bad conflicts.

Forgiveness

Forgiving is something I was raised with. I think it is key to our lives as people. When forgiveness is bestowed, its important to remember that the person who did the wrong isn't getting let off the hook, but its more a release for yourself. It allows you not to harbor anger or bitterness in your life. I am a firm believer that an unwillingness to forgive can make things worse and gives the other person more control.

Now in no way do I think it is easy. I believe it is a daily choice and not a feeling. Its rare that one feels like forgiving but it is necessary. I have had and continue to get a lesson in this. About seven years ago my parent's got involved in an investment with a good friend of the family. Long story short, they were encouraged to take money out of the equity with the promise that it would return and they would have more money. Turns out, the investment properties never existed and my parents lost a lot of money. Our good family friend took money from my family and committed fraud. This situation has literally effected everything. I had to take out student loans because my parents could not afford college at SJSU, as well as my younger sister. My wedding was not the "dream" wedding a girl hopes for, but I have to say it was pretty awesome in spite of having to cut corners. I had to make a lot of financial sacrifices because of what this man did to my family not to mention that his daughters are some of my closest friends. My parents both struggled emotionally over it, especially be the person who took the money seemed to walk away without a consequence. There is plenty more to the story, but I had to make and still make a daily choice to forgive the man that took money without a backwards look, causing my dad to work on the weekends so they wouldn't lose their house. For a while I was pretty angry and bitter because I wanted him to suffer for what he did and he wasn't, but it was robbing me of my life and my happiness. So I make the choice to forgive.

Faces on Facebook

When it comes to Facebook. I try to be very true to who I am, without crossing lines. In general, when I post status updates, I think about how I feel about what I am saying and why I want to post it. If its something that is somewhat questionable, I will not post it. Same with photos, I have a test that I put my photo posting through. It goes likes this:

Would an employer find this questionable?
Will the high school students that I mentor get the wrong impression based off the photos or their parents?
Is this something I'd want my parents and In-Laws to see?

When it comes to posting things on a friends profile, I use the same test and for the most part will send it to them in a message if it is in anyway questionable. I would like to think that when people visit my page, they actually enjoy my posts since my main goal is to make people laugh at the things I write. As well as I would want the life I have off social media to reflect what I post. I am not into having two different appearances. So if my faces aren't adding up, I would feel like a fraud because what I am communicating online does not add up to what I communicate in person. I have been in situations where I have posted something that crossed a line, as well as someone did the same to me.

I had an issue where a family member on my husband's side (whom I had never met when this started) was taking pictures of me off my Facebook and posting them on her own, and it escalated to some very rude captions posted by her on the photos she had added to her page. At first I ignored it, until it escalated and I had to ask her to stop taking photos, as well as take her comments off on the photos she had posted. While I was very gracious it turned into a huge family drama because I had suddenly stepped on her toes. I ended up blocked, and later found out she was writing mean statuses about me. Her blocking me and such worked out in my favor, because I no longer had to have my pictures taken off my page, nor deal with her at all. It taught me to screen what is being posted and to utilize privacy settings.
 

Chapter 4, Discussion 3

The concept of the I-Statements I believe is one the most important concepts to apply. I-statements have the ability to prevent blame and move a conflict along in a healthy way.  I grew up in a family where I-statements were used frequently, so it is a second nature.

I have used I-statements in my relationship, and friendships. Any conflict that starts with an accusatory statements, normally does not end well. I remember friends engaging in conflicts where the ton was accusatory. I have two friends that are sisters, and for the sake of making this less confusing I will give them fake names. So Andrea and Stella used to get in arguments frequently. They would start with Andrea accusing Stella of thinking a particular way based off an innocent statement. These arguments would last for hours because one would be stuck defending herself and the other would continue accusing her. It took a while but eventually they started applying the I-statements which made their arguments so much shorter, and a lot less damaging.

I think that is the most important part of I-statements, the fact that they are a lot less damaging to a person then accusing or blaming.

Chapter 4, Discussion 2

I find that when I am listening to someone, I try really hard to hear what they are saying, and I will repeat it back to them. I admit there are moments where I am thinking about how to respond, as well as how I can make them feel heard.

I have experienced being in conflict where I haven't felt like that other party heard me, but was more focused on how to rebuttal what I said or felt. This frustrated me, and because of that I work really hard to listen to hear and understand then to listen to refute.

I do not tend to write down what the person says, unless I am really bothered by it and decide to journal about it. I only do that when I need to blow off steam.

Chpt 4,Discussion 1

Depending on the conflict, I may find it easy to stop the conflict or hard. I cannot say it is the same for me every time. Conflicts where I have an emotional investment, or a situation where I was hurt, it is harder for me to take a step back. Although I have learned that it is extremely important to take a moment before embarking on a conflict. Depending on the conflict I can either walk away quickly or it may take a while.

Responding automatically is also dependent upon what caused the conflict in the first place. If the approach from the other party is accusatory, that will make me feel like I am backed into a corner, and may find it harder to respond automatically because I may have been caught off guard. If it is a conflict or issue that I am aware of, I find that I do not struggle with responding automatically because I had time to think, process and prepare for the conversation at hand. I suggest in both instances, to take a deep breath and allow yourself to calm down. Remind yourself that emotions do not control you. Tell yourself it is okay to take a few minuets. With practice, it will become easier to respond well and with class, as well as quickly.

Mediation

Communication majors should make good mediators because they learn about re-framing, and asking the right questions and communicating to understand. They learn the right way to phrase sentences, and the communication is more about listening well then speaking well.

Lawyers and Psychotherapists, have more of an agenda for a specific end result whereas mediation is more focused on the clients finding a win-win situation for each person versus a winning situation for one person. Also, in terms of a Psychotherapists they may be focused on diving deeper into the root issues of a person versus reaching a compromise.

All occupations have their place and are important, it really just depends on what the individuals needs are.

Concept of Ideas

In a previous blog, I mentioned being in a situation where I was in the midst of conflict with my employer. Within this situation I ended up having to confront the general manager about what was going on and his part in it. I went in, with my goals for the conversation lined out with questions and comments on piece of paper. I had to remain professional and engage in relationship centered communication. I was very upset about what had transpired as well as the unfairness of the situation.

Emotionally, I wanted to run in and raise hell because an injustice that had taken place but I had to swallow my emotions and approach the situation in an attempt to get a win-win, as well as show my character and ethics. Within this situation I learned the importance of having relationship-centered communication. I found that I could walk away from my job without having burned a bridge and ended up with being able to clear my name. While, I may have little respect for the GM because of what had been allowed to transpire, I know I would get a great review because of how I handled the situation, when a future employer calls. I can walk away knowing my conscious and my employee record is clear. That is why relationship centered communication is so important.

Punishment vs. Discipline

In reading this question I decided to look up what discipline and punishment meant. One of the definitions for punishment is severe handling or treatment, a penalty inflicted for an offense. Discipline means a punishment inflicted by way of corrections and training. These are two very similar definitions but one serves to correct behavior while the other inflicts harm without a potential learning aspect. Discipline teaches a young child right and wrong without inflicting emotional harm, punishment has the potential to cause harm and in some ways has an intent to harm. Now that being said people can easily use discipline in a wrongful manner, and without balance.

Parents can cross a line in parental authority when they use discipline as a means to control, or inflict bodily harm. This only inflicts emotional harm and fear. Parents can cross a line with how they discipline and what they chose to discipline for. It is about picking the battle.

Combo of Two

In examining the different orientations, I found that I have two bends and they depend on the situations I am in. Sometimes I will take part in the other-centered orientation or relationship centered orientation.

When I engage in other-centered orientation I generally do not care about the outcome. If I don't have an opinion, or its something that isn't as important to me as it is to another person compromise is not as important.Generally, in those instances resentment is not an issue. I am fairly adaptable so sometimes it is just easier to go along for the ride.

If the issue is something I really care about or really bothers me I will bring it up in a relationship centered orientation and we generally find a way to come to a good compromise that both walk away feeling like we got the best option. Granted in this situation it is good to approach the conflict after dealing with any emotional aspects. I have found that if I am emotionally charged, it makes coming to resolution take longer. So taking time examine the emotions and working past them is actually really helpful.

Facinating Concept

In the reading I found the six confrontation steps to be very interesting and extremely important. I find that in the midst of conflict, it is hard to keep emotions in check and within this model, it is clear that emotions have to take a backseat. This concept is very emotionless. Saying that makes it sound bad, but there is a tendency for people to decide that they feel this way, and therefore they have to react a a way that is emotionally charged.

I have found that in my own life I would allow my feelings to dictate how I would approach conflict, especially with my then boyfriend and now husband. It was right before our wedding, and my laptop had completely died a week before my first final. I had a wedding playlist, all my notes for finals, a book I had been writing and all my final projects. We took my computer in to the Geek Squad and found out that my hard drive was completely broken. I burst into tears in the middle of Best Buy, while my fiance was trying to solve my computer problem and get all my data back. He got frustrated with me because I had reacted before thinking through the issue. We got into a tiff, and he basically told me that I needed to learn to not be reactionary but approach things logically. Now telling a woman this can really backfire for a man, but I realized that he was right. This problem with my computer created a conflict between us because I had gone directly to how I feel, not to what needed to happen in that moment. But while he approached the situation from a calm calculated problem solving standpoint, I approached it from a hugely emotional standpoint and created tension. Now, I do not believe that keeping ones emotions out of conflict to be easy, but I have found it to be do able after that day.

I am currently in another conflict where I have been severely wronged as an employee, and I have to confront the General Manager over the issue. I have two choices, I can approach with accusations or by using this model. I have to make a conscious effort when I walk through the door to leave my emotional state outside and be calm and respectful while also coming to a resolution that we both find satisfying. But we as people have to learn to not be controlled by our emotions in order to help resolve conflicts.

The Non-Process View

When thinking about how I take a non-process view, I realized that for the most part one example effects the other. The examples given where in someways interlocked.

When it comes to my own personal struggles with a non-process view, I would say I struggle with seeing something as unchanging. I have had some personal experience with conflict amongst friends, and it becomes the same old song and dance where they cover up, deflect or spin their actions. And I think after a pattern of this, I begin to see them as unchanging and not in a process. I think I definitely struggle with that. Which then causes me to forget that they are in a process and developing, because I see them as unchanging. I have to continue to see them as people in a process with history and with insecurities and have grace on those things, while also setting clear conflict boundaries.

I definitly believe that I have learned to have healthy conflict mainly because in my family, we were not allowed to yell at each other or call each other names. We have to express our feelings in a calm manner, and find resolutions with each other.

Discussion 1

I really struggled with this question even after reading Chapter 1. While I do believe some have more of a bend towards conflict, I cannot say that people seek it out. I cannot make that statement mainly because I believe in not communicating an absolute.

In my experiences , I have found that there are three types of people. (Each one does have a grey area) I believe that there are people who avoid conflict as a way of "keeping the peace" or fear it, there are people who will meet conflict head on, and those who's identity is wrapped up within having conflicts.

In chapter 1, it is said that conflict is inevitable, there for it is an aspect of environment then an inborn trait, and how someone is taught to handle conflict is also a process of the environment. Society has taught us that conflict happens. It happens on the news, in politics, in families. It is a huge aspect of life.

Welcome to My World

Hello Fellow Classmates,
Welcome to my blog! I am a graduating senior and looking forward to it. I love communication! It was originally my major, but when I transferred into SJSU, I was undeclared and I found Public Relations to be a better fit. Although, I still love communication. I have taken Argumentation and Debate which I loved, as well as classes such as Improving Relationships through Communication, Interpersonal Communication and Multicultural Communication. I would have to say Improving Relationships was one of my favorite classes. I love learning material that I can apply to everyday life and social situations.

I want to learn as much as I can from this class, as well as apply it to life. Conflict is something that we will as always encounter, and learning how to navigate it in marriage(I just got married over summer!!), business, and in family is extremely important. I guess that would be a goal for me, to be able to learn and apply what I have learned.

Currently I am working on a book. I really enjoy writing. I am also developing a hobby in photography. I have no idea what I am doing right now, but everyday I am trying to practice with a new lens or setting. If any of you have any suggestions let me know!

My husband and I love going skeet shooting together as well as running. We like to travel and have an opportunity to go to Switzerland for a week for free at the end of September. We are really excited. Good thing this is an online class!!

I am looking forward to this class.