Chapter 4, Discussion 3

The concept of the I-Statements I believe is one the most important concepts to apply. I-statements have the ability to prevent blame and move a conflict along in a healthy way.  I grew up in a family where I-statements were used frequently, so it is a second nature.

I have used I-statements in my relationship, and friendships. Any conflict that starts with an accusatory statements, normally does not end well. I remember friends engaging in conflicts where the ton was accusatory. I have two friends that are sisters, and for the sake of making this less confusing I will give them fake names. So Andrea and Stella used to get in arguments frequently. They would start with Andrea accusing Stella of thinking a particular way based off an innocent statement. These arguments would last for hours because one would be stuck defending herself and the other would continue accusing her. It took a while but eventually they started applying the I-statements which made their arguments so much shorter, and a lot less damaging.

I think that is the most important part of I-statements, the fact that they are a lot less damaging to a person then accusing or blaming.

Chapter 4, Discussion 2

I find that when I am listening to someone, I try really hard to hear what they are saying, and I will repeat it back to them. I admit there are moments where I am thinking about how to respond, as well as how I can make them feel heard.

I have experienced being in conflict where I haven't felt like that other party heard me, but was more focused on how to rebuttal what I said or felt. This frustrated me, and because of that I work really hard to listen to hear and understand then to listen to refute.

I do not tend to write down what the person says, unless I am really bothered by it and decide to journal about it. I only do that when I need to blow off steam.

Chpt 4,Discussion 1

Depending on the conflict, I may find it easy to stop the conflict or hard. I cannot say it is the same for me every time. Conflicts where I have an emotional investment, or a situation where I was hurt, it is harder for me to take a step back. Although I have learned that it is extremely important to take a moment before embarking on a conflict. Depending on the conflict I can either walk away quickly or it may take a while.

Responding automatically is also dependent upon what caused the conflict in the first place. If the approach from the other party is accusatory, that will make me feel like I am backed into a corner, and may find it harder to respond automatically because I may have been caught off guard. If it is a conflict or issue that I am aware of, I find that I do not struggle with responding automatically because I had time to think, process and prepare for the conversation at hand. I suggest in both instances, to take a deep breath and allow yourself to calm down. Remind yourself that emotions do not control you. Tell yourself it is okay to take a few minuets. With practice, it will become easier to respond well and with class, as well as quickly.

Mediation

Communication majors should make good mediators because they learn about re-framing, and asking the right questions and communicating to understand. They learn the right way to phrase sentences, and the communication is more about listening well then speaking well.

Lawyers and Psychotherapists, have more of an agenda for a specific end result whereas mediation is more focused on the clients finding a win-win situation for each person versus a winning situation for one person. Also, in terms of a Psychotherapists they may be focused on diving deeper into the root issues of a person versus reaching a compromise.

All occupations have their place and are important, it really just depends on what the individuals needs are.

Concept of Ideas

In a previous blog, I mentioned being in a situation where I was in the midst of conflict with my employer. Within this situation I ended up having to confront the general manager about what was going on and his part in it. I went in, with my goals for the conversation lined out with questions and comments on piece of paper. I had to remain professional and engage in relationship centered communication. I was very upset about what had transpired as well as the unfairness of the situation.

Emotionally, I wanted to run in and raise hell because an injustice that had taken place but I had to swallow my emotions and approach the situation in an attempt to get a win-win, as well as show my character and ethics. Within this situation I learned the importance of having relationship-centered communication. I found that I could walk away from my job without having burned a bridge and ended up with being able to clear my name. While, I may have little respect for the GM because of what had been allowed to transpire, I know I would get a great review because of how I handled the situation, when a future employer calls. I can walk away knowing my conscious and my employee record is clear. That is why relationship centered communication is so important.

Punishment vs. Discipline

In reading this question I decided to look up what discipline and punishment meant. One of the definitions for punishment is severe handling or treatment, a penalty inflicted for an offense. Discipline means a punishment inflicted by way of corrections and training. These are two very similar definitions but one serves to correct behavior while the other inflicts harm without a potential learning aspect. Discipline teaches a young child right and wrong without inflicting emotional harm, punishment has the potential to cause harm and in some ways has an intent to harm. Now that being said people can easily use discipline in a wrongful manner, and without balance.

Parents can cross a line in parental authority when they use discipline as a means to control, or inflict bodily harm. This only inflicts emotional harm and fear. Parents can cross a line with how they discipline and what they chose to discipline for. It is about picking the battle.

Combo of Two

In examining the different orientations, I found that I have two bends and they depend on the situations I am in. Sometimes I will take part in the other-centered orientation or relationship centered orientation.

When I engage in other-centered orientation I generally do not care about the outcome. If I don't have an opinion, or its something that isn't as important to me as it is to another person compromise is not as important.Generally, in those instances resentment is not an issue. I am fairly adaptable so sometimes it is just easier to go along for the ride.

If the issue is something I really care about or really bothers me I will bring it up in a relationship centered orientation and we generally find a way to come to a good compromise that both walk away feeling like we got the best option. Granted in this situation it is good to approach the conflict after dealing with any emotional aspects. I have found that if I am emotionally charged, it makes coming to resolution take longer. So taking time examine the emotions and working past them is actually really helpful.

Facinating Concept

In the reading I found the six confrontation steps to be very interesting and extremely important. I find that in the midst of conflict, it is hard to keep emotions in check and within this model, it is clear that emotions have to take a backseat. This concept is very emotionless. Saying that makes it sound bad, but there is a tendency for people to decide that they feel this way, and therefore they have to react a a way that is emotionally charged.

I have found that in my own life I would allow my feelings to dictate how I would approach conflict, especially with my then boyfriend and now husband. It was right before our wedding, and my laptop had completely died a week before my first final. I had a wedding playlist, all my notes for finals, a book I had been writing and all my final projects. We took my computer in to the Geek Squad and found out that my hard drive was completely broken. I burst into tears in the middle of Best Buy, while my fiance was trying to solve my computer problem and get all my data back. He got frustrated with me because I had reacted before thinking through the issue. We got into a tiff, and he basically told me that I needed to learn to not be reactionary but approach things logically. Now telling a woman this can really backfire for a man, but I realized that he was right. This problem with my computer created a conflict between us because I had gone directly to how I feel, not to what needed to happen in that moment. But while he approached the situation from a calm calculated problem solving standpoint, I approached it from a hugely emotional standpoint and created tension. Now, I do not believe that keeping ones emotions out of conflict to be easy, but I have found it to be do able after that day.

I am currently in another conflict where I have been severely wronged as an employee, and I have to confront the General Manager over the issue. I have two choices, I can approach with accusations or by using this model. I have to make a conscious effort when I walk through the door to leave my emotional state outside and be calm and respectful while also coming to a resolution that we both find satisfying. But we as people have to learn to not be controlled by our emotions in order to help resolve conflicts.

The Non-Process View

When thinking about how I take a non-process view, I realized that for the most part one example effects the other. The examples given where in someways interlocked.

When it comes to my own personal struggles with a non-process view, I would say I struggle with seeing something as unchanging. I have had some personal experience with conflict amongst friends, and it becomes the same old song and dance where they cover up, deflect or spin their actions. And I think after a pattern of this, I begin to see them as unchanging and not in a process. I think I definitely struggle with that. Which then causes me to forget that they are in a process and developing, because I see them as unchanging. I have to continue to see them as people in a process with history and with insecurities and have grace on those things, while also setting clear conflict boundaries.

I definitly believe that I have learned to have healthy conflict mainly because in my family, we were not allowed to yell at each other or call each other names. We have to express our feelings in a calm manner, and find resolutions with each other.